Friday, February 1, 2008

Southerners shouldn't feel bad....

I'm at work!

OK, I hear you... you're probably thinking "Yeah.. so am I" But let me narrow down the field a little for you. I collectively walk about half a mile to work; and, in the middle of that walking take one bus, one train from it's start to finish and another bus from ITS start to finish. then the bulk of my walking is done on unshoveled sidewalks next to a highway that's heavily driven by industrial trucks.

OK, doesn't sound TOO bad, right? Now, add the fact that Chicago just got bitch-slapped by a snowstorm and that the snow I trudged in was often times shin deep on me, the 6'7" guy.

Now you may be asking yourself, what this has to do with Southerners. As I said, I'M at work... nearly 75% of my co-workers, northerners (who would no doubt make fun of us Southerners and our driving ability if they lived in the south) are NOT here. There are wrecks left and right, people are afraid to drive and I heard one coworker say "I can't get out of my neighborhood!"

Give me a break!

(Brace yourself, rant coming)

Growing up in the South I have always had to live through the taunts of the northerners who lived there (and since you came down and stayed, we called you "DAMN YANKEES") about how Southerners couldn't drive in inclement weather or how we freaked out when snow came. I'm sooooo happy to be able to say after living in Chicago for 7 years... NEITHER CAN YOU!

I know you spanked yanks will start pointing out signs of Southern inability to cope with bad weather, but let me explain a few of them.

"2 loaf storm" - At the first sign of a snow flake, or if 2 or more radio/TV stations say the word snow in respect to the local area, you better high-tail it to Bi-Lo or Winn-Dixie to get your milk and bread. Overreacting? no, just being prepared! PB&J & Milk is a great way to pass the day in a snowstorm.
Once in high school I was shopping in advance of a winter storm and there was NO bread left I saw this woman who had in her cart a half gallon of milk, a can of tuna, a 1/2 pack of eggs and FIVE loaves of bread. Who's she kidding??? Selfish bitch! I recognized her as being a resident of Keowee Key which in my hometown meant that you were a yankee with money so you either made fun of us for doing what she was doing or you could afford better.... so I took one of her loaves of bread when she wasn't looking.

"Winter Storm Frenzy" (also known to the high school set as "It's snowing in Traveler's Rest") Transfer kids who TRULY got on my nerves thinking they were omnipotent used to laugh at us for this statement. Half of our county was in the mountains so if it was snowing there and just cold in our flatter foothills area, it still meant we were getting out of school because you couldn't let part of the county out without the other part. This wasn't frenzy, we were just happy to get out of school. And by the way transfer kids... just because your dad is a professor of Biochemicial hoodypoopoo does NOT make you a brainiac.

"It can't snow that much in the South!" This was this dismissive remark made by the Yankees who were the expert drivers when they first moved into town in the late summer. I must say that this statement I do agree with. However, it's not the snow we're worried about ass hat. It's the ice.
The snow falls (ooooh pretty!)
The snow turns to slush as it melts during the day (ugh, it got on my pants!)
The snow FREEZES at night and since we're in the foothills and mountains... guess what dipwad??? It's worse to drive in/on than your precious flaky northern snow!

"You can't drive in the snow, I see all these big trucks in the ditch" - OK, you've got me here. These, my friends, are the stupid rednecks who think the world revolves around 4wheel drive and think they can conquer snow and ice without worry. The kicker is, these Darwin rejects end up in the ditch in nice weather too. We're trying to thin the herd, but they're protected in their truck cabs.

Anyway, the gist is, don't make fun of southerners and their driving in the snow. We do fine thank you very much. So fine in fact, that THIS southerner is at work while all you northern drivers are chicken in your own home. And, while you're at work, I'm rifling through your desks and kicking my feet up on my desk while I blog away!

I think I'll leave around 2pm too after a 2 hour lunch.


Mahala said...

LOL! The first thing I learned after my recent 4X4 purchase: You slide four times as fast on ice in four-wheel drive.

Lea in SC said...

Just so you know...I think we are getting some northern population dilution here in Oconee Co. A few weeks ago, newscasts called for snow, but I didn't make it to the grocery store (although I was really truly out of milk and bread). Went straight after work, it was supposed to start in a few hours, and there was plenty o' goods at the market. HUH?!?! I was shocked, but on top of that I walked out into actual snow, already sticking! So I wonder if the yamn dankees are discouraging our panicked purchases....

Anonymous said...

It snowed/sleeted/did frozen precipitation in New Orleans in 1989 when I was still there. The anencephalic locals thought that they could still do their usual three-lane veers with impunity. Paging Charles Darwin...