Wednesday, June 24, 2009

3 Monkey Stories

Kids say the darnedest things....

Once I was finished with college (the first time) it was about the time that many of my friends were getting married and having their first children. It was also the age where you're responsible... but still young enough to be goofy and get away with it. When the time would come and my friend's kids were being shown around I used to get a kick out of taking those that were just on the verge of saying their first words and all I would say to them was "monkeybutt" It became a running joke with my friends. Until one time it took....

I got a call from one friend who, let's be truthful, all the guys were afraid of her because she was no nonsense. Even though the names are changed to protect the innocent (me) the call went like this:

"Hello?"
"Chris, this is Susan"

"Hey! How are..."

"Shut up" she said cutting me off, "I wanted to call you and let you know David just said his first word. I wanted YOU to know what his first word was because I am coming over so I can hear your LAST word... and it better fucking not be MONKEYBUTT!"
I don't know at what point she actually hung up because I could never have heard the click of the line for my guffawing out loud! Sadly I've only ever seen pictures of David and his younger brother. I'd like to think that it's because of distance and time that puts friends in different locations, but still in each other's hearts. However I have a distinct feeling that Susan doesn't want me around until all her offspring have uttered their first words....

A Scientific Breakthrough

With the exception of my brother, everyone in my immediate family was in Health care. I remember growing up with my parents talking medicine at the dinner table. Then my sister joined the fray discussing blood, urine and stool at the table like it was as common as the recipe for the casserole we were eating. My brother and I would just hunker down and eat hoping to get through dinner before color and consistency became more graphic than it already was.

When I announced I was heading into nursing my brother threw up his hands "You were my last hold out! Will I be able to eat with you all anymore?"

Once in the early to mid 90's I lived in Charleston, SC and it was the period where they were finally starting to make big steps forward in HIV/AIDS research. It was found that a certain species of baboon was immune to the HIV virus. I was home in Clemson visiting my mother and we were discussing the physiological aspects of HIV and how this type of monkey could be immune. Perhaps it was the hemoglobin that was different from ours, perhaps they had a natural immunity much like dogs have in their saliva that allows them to eat... anything. It was then, in the middle of this educated, scientific discussion that my mom offered this hypothesis:

I think I know why they can't get HIV... their butts are just so ugly!

It took me a minute to actually get that she'd just made a funny gay joke. It was that moment that I remembered forever and was useful in a discussion of ours much later... but we weren't curing HIV then.

Only in the animal kingdom....

This isn't so much a story as it is a video I found from a friend on Facebook. Lucky Monkey... 3

2 comments:

catshovel said...

I hate it when you start talking about the tactile qualities & color spectra of certain urine specimens, and your dinner partner goes all gray-faced and puts their fork down in a huff. Hey, if you can talk about 26 page complaints and deponents who only give one word answers, I'm gonna talk about my work day weirdnesses too...

cb said...

Why didn't you just teach the kids to say "fuck" instead? One syllable. Easy!