Tuesday, September 23, 2008

TMI Tuesday!

It's been a while since I blogged, it's been one of those months.....

However, after I read the first question in today's TMI Tuesday, I knew I had to answer. BUT, not because of why you may think. Before I was a convention manager/meeting planner as I am now, I used to be in emergency nursing, so.... seeing things inserted into places they didn't belong took on a new meaning. While questions 2 - 5 may be lacking, number 1 will have several answers all coming from 'Chris' tales from the Emergency Room'. Given that, I'm going to answer them backwards leaving #1 for the end!

Bonus: Have you ever been propositioned for group sex?
You say that like it's a bad thing.... yeah. :)

5. Have you ever used ice for sexual purposes?
Yes, only as a surprise and a bit passe. crunch on ice right before you... you know....

4. Do you prefer music, tv, or other noise in the background when you have sex?
Yes. I'll give away a secret here, I have a bad ringing in my ears and cannot stand silence. While the whole sex thing is hardly silent, there are periods between the noise we're making and I prefer something to cover the silence.
3. Have you ever been outside completely naked?
Yes. Hard to go skinny dipping without being naked.

2. Have you ever had sex anyone whose name started with a J?
Actually no, it's against my religion to have sex with someone who's name starts with a J. Please... yes I have. I think Q or X would have been a more fun letter to query. (Q no, X yes)
and finally....

1. What is the strangest thing you have ever inserted or seen inserted (in a sexual manner) in person?
Lord, where do I begin. Sadly, no good story comes from my own sexual experiences, but considering what I've seen at work, that's fine with me! My top stories that I remember most are:

- a light bulb rectally. For the sheer stupidity of what happens when a light bulb breaks (very tiny shards). We didn't even try to extract it in the ER. The patient went directly to surgery.

- A vibrator, still on, rectally, in HIM while his wife tried not to laugh. He was PISSED! (It was so her idea) It went in too far and they couldn't get it out. I'd love to show a picture of the instrument we used to get it out, but I can't for the life of me recall the proper term. I always called it the butt trumpet.

- A glass coke bottle, opening end first, rectally. It had created such a vacuum that we couldn't pull it out without causing him pain. I had the 'luck' of working on this patient with a doctor who was VERY strict about how to act around patients. You didn't say 'oops' if you dropped something or gasp when you saw something surprising, you were to project professionalism at all times to give the patient the sense of security that his life was in capable hands. The coke bottle had to come out so to equalize the pressure we drilled a small hole in the bottom of the glass and let the air equalize as we pulled. Since the air started rushing into the bottle, it whistled as we pulled. I could feel my face flushing red and it was all I could do to not giggle. The doctor was staring me down, daring me to laugh, but I could see the corners of his mouth twitching too because I know he wanted to laugh too!

- My favorite story that I even include in my stand up comedy routine. This woman came in complaining of vaginal pain. Not on urination, which would have been easy enough, but just general pain. We put her in the stirrups to do a pelvic exam and found

a real potato inserted into her vaginal cavity. She looked down at us sheepishly and said she didn't know HOW it got there. As if a stone like item in her vagina wouldn't have been painful enough, it had sprouted a bit so it was scratchy to say the least. I wanted to ask her if she'd been cooking dinner naked one evening, decided to do a split and for some reason was one potato short for her stew....


Ms. Inconspicuous said...

Oh. My. Goodness.

Is it terrible to be cracking up at your #1 answer? I'll take it as a cautionary tale.

*Cringing at the lightbulb*

Just Kevin... said...

oh, please, Christopher, if you're gonna take the TMIT plunge...

SUEB0B said...

"Lord, where do I begin. " This made me howl. LOVE YOU!

Ang said...

WOO! Now THAT's some serious answer! I'm glad you liked my question!!!

And I LOVED your answer(s)!

I Smile 2 Much said...

OMYHELL- I'm dyin over here readin' these. You're all kinds of hilarious.

But um- Yikes. And YIKES!!!

And a sprouting potato? Holy hell.... I'm guessin' her memory wasnt her best talent (LOL) ha!

Happy "I LUV Your ANSWERS!" TMI to you ; )

cb said...

Uggh. A potato. With sprouts.

You just KNOW the potato was going "Ohhhh! my EYES!"