Thursday, September 4, 2008

Oconee County Barbies!

This is localized humor when it comes to the location names, but if you've ever lived in an area that had everything from over-rich down to white trash rednecks and everything in between living in the confines of one county, then just apply your own city names to each. Special thanks to Jenni4 who's still living amongst the Oconee County Barbies!
"Keowee Key BARBIE "
This princess Barbie is sold only at Belk’s. She comes with an assortment of Vera Bradley Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Walhalla Barbie "
The immigrant Barbie is available with Ford Wind-Star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and lives in a 2-bedroom apartment with her boyfriend, 3 brothers, 3 sister in-laws, 4 cousins, and 5 nieces’.

"4th street Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ....unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Cross Creek Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Salem Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

" Westminster Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Salem Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"West Union Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two West Union Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Mill Hill Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


Lea in SC said...

Not sure that the West Union Barbies really fit...but the rest of them are hysterical!

Bunny said...


Just Kevin... said...

Chris- I want you to guess which one was the Claremont Barbie and which was the Fontana Barbie in our version of this joke. C'mon...guess!

Anonymous said...

You forgot Monroeville Barbie. Lives on 1/4 acre with four generations of the same family; calls her grandparents Mom and Dad, while her nieces/sisters call her sister Mom, and everyone is Uncle Somebody to everyone; Christmas trees decorated with mug shots of those family members currently on ice made into ornaments.

cb said...

The only sold at "Belk" is a nice touch. Gosh I remember Belk...