Monday... in every sense of the bad word...

This morning is off to a Crap start with a capital C! Ever had one of those morning you just can't get going, you're fumbling over yourself to get out the door? It's due to rain today in Chicago (of course) so I carried my umbrella and stopped by the BP for my usual Bucket-o-Diet Pepsi. I put the Pepsi down to grab some napkins, dropped my umbrella, it bounced and hit the Pepsi and the bucket proceeded to illustrate the principal of entropy to its best ability. I'm actually surprised my bus wasn't hit by a chicken truck on the way to work.

While I compose my day back on track, take a trip over to Joe My God's Blog and watch Tina Fey do, yet another, spot on impression of Sarah Palin.

Happy Monday!

The shame of our country

Not McBush or Palin this time, it's an ugly thing that I grew up in and around and it still gives me chills.

I read over at Max's Dad about the useless death of Miss Brittany Williams. I won't go into the detail as Max's Dad does it well justice. I will say to Brittany;

I never knew you, I doubt our paths would ever have crossed, but I mourn your loss and feel for your family. Rest in peace and make Heaven as fabulous as you must have made your part of Earth.

"A'ight Steve, you bought this on yourself!"

I love Wanda Sykes. She's funny even when it's not her punch line. Her set up is often the best part of the joke too! Just Kevin sent me this video of Wanda on The Tonight Show. What a hoot!

It's funny 'cuz it's true!




And if you're wondering what the heck the post title has to do with the post... then you need to see the movie "Over the Hedge". Wanda plays a skunk who's not afraid to use the weapon nature gave her! Watch the trailer and please forgive the commercial preceding it (although it looks like a cool series - Sanctuary)_

Post Turtle

Big thanks to Just Kevin who sent me this little ditty. I love it! I hope he doesn't mind me posting... :) Given my recent ER post, I have to admit I was expecting something else... but read on...

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know she didn't get up there by herself,

she doesn't belong up there,

she doesn't know what to do while she is up there,

and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."


(Can you put lipstick on a Post Turtle?)

Political Schmolitical

I've never been terribly political. It's usually the lesser of two evils anyway...

Until now

The evil that may be Obama is SOOOO overshadowed by McCain it's not even funny.

I'm borrowing this from SueBob at linkateria. Take a look and give McCain the shame fingers and the evil eye.

TMI Tuesday!

It's been a while since I blogged, it's been one of those months.....

However, after I read the first question in today's TMI Tuesday, I knew I had to answer. BUT, not because of why you may think. Before I was a convention manager/meeting planner as I am now, I used to be in emergency nursing, so.... seeing things inserted into places they didn't belong took on a new meaning. While questions 2 - 5 may be lacking, number 1 will have several answers all coming from 'Chris' tales from the Emergency Room'. Given that, I'm going to answer them backwards leaving #1 for the end!

Bonus: Have you ever been propositioned for group sex?

You say that like it's a bad thing.... yeah. :)

5. Have you ever used ice for sexual purposes?

Yes, only as a surprise and a bit passe. crunch on ice right before you... you know....

4. Do you prefer music, tv, or other noise in the background when you have sex?

Yes. I'll give away a secret here, I have a bad ringing in my ears and cannot stand silence. While the whole sex thing is hardly silent, there are periods between the noise we're making and I prefer something to cover the silence.

3. Have you ever been outside completely naked?

Yes. Hard to go skinny dipping without being naked.

2. Have you ever had sex anyone whose name started with a J?

Actually no, it's against my religion to have sex with someone who's name starts with a J. Please... yes I have. I think Q or X would have been a more fun letter to query. (Q no, X yes)

and finally....

1. What is the strangest thing you have ever inserted or seen inserted (in a sexual manner) in person?

Lord, where do I begin. Sadly, no good story comes from my own sexual experiences, but considering what I've seen at work, that's fine with me! My top stories that I remember most are:

- a light bulb rectally. For the sheer stupidity of what happens when a light bulb breaks (very tiny shards). We didn't even try to extract it in the ER. The patient went directly to surgery.

- A vibrator, still on, rectally, in HIM while his wife tried not to laugh. He was PISSED! (It was so her idea) It went in too far and they couldn't get it out. I'd love to show a picture of the instrument we used to get it out, but I can't for the life of me recall the proper term. I always called it the butt trumpet.

- A glass coke bottle, opening end first, rectally. It had created such a vacuum that we couldn't pull it out without causing him pain. I had the 'luck' of working on this patient with a doctor who was VERY strict about how to act around patients. You didn't say 'oops' if you dropped something or gasp when you saw something surprising, you were to project professionalism at all times to give the patient the sense of security that his life was in capable hands. The coke bottle had to come out so to equalize the pressure we drilled a small hole in the bottom of the glass and let the air equalize as we pulled. Since the air started rushing into the bottle, it whistled as we pulled. I could feel my face flushing red and it was all I could do to not giggle. The doctor was staring me down, daring me to laugh, but I could see the corners of his mouth twitching too because I know he wanted to laugh too!

- My favorite story that I even include in my stand up comedy routine. This woman came in complaining of vaginal pain. Not on urination, which would have been easy enough, but just general pain. We put her in the stirrups to do a pelvic exam and found

a real potato inserted into her vaginal cavity. She looked down at us sheepishly and said she didn't know HOW it got there. As if a stone like item in her vagina wouldn't have been painful enough, it had sprouted a bit so it was scratchy to say the least. I wanted to ask her if she'd been cooking dinner naked one evening, decided to do a split and for some reason was one potato short for her stew....

Like not paying your bill....

So September rolled in last week and it was like turning the heat switch off. Summer took it's happy time getting started this year (like when you pay the deposit and sign up for phone service and it takes 2-4 weeks for them to schedule an appointment to get you started) and then the calendar clicks to September and we're immediately thrust into this morning's 48 degrees (like when your phone bill is paid late, but they can turn off your phone in 20 seconds)

And while I do love the smell, walking home from work yesterday I could smell someone's fireplace in the air. You know that smell of new fireplace fire in the crisp air. I love it... IN OCTOBER!

I love Chicago, I really do..... :)

Return of TMI Tuesday....

1. Describe the perfect date for YOURSELF... what you would enjoy most.

This answer has changed a little since I've lived in Chicago. Since the winters cause most folks to hibernate, the summer months are much more appreciated and lived fully. I think my favorite dates are a non-rushed dinner somewhere laid back and non-pretentious that has sidewalk dining. Afterwards, just walking up and down the neighborhood streets of Chicago talking and looking in windows (to see how people use their space... not peeping tom type looking in windows... you perv...)

2. Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant?

In dating? Neither. I enjoy a date that's for both.

3. What do you usually wear to bed?

Usually nothing, sometimes just underwear. Although in the winter I may wear socks on the coldest nights as my feet tend to find their way out from under the covers first.

4. Have you ever seen a counselor?

Does Deanna Troi count? Otherwise, no, not yet.

5. Lights on or off?

Lights off, candles on.

Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm?

yeah, once... it needed to end... fast.

WAAAAAY back when.....

Miss Jenni4 back in SC has sent me down memory lane again.

Scary as it is, here's my 8th grade band picture which would have been circa 1980. This is only the woodwinds though I'm not sure why we didn't take pics with the rest of the band. (the start of the band instrument cliques I guess)

(by the way, the arrow is not pointing toward me. I'm the tall mook to the right of the arrow)

Funny what 28 years can do... Of these folks I know the whereabouts of 6. There was one doctor, 3 nurses, 2 committed suicide (I was in the ER when one came in) and the rest are scattered to the wind. Hopefully they're doing OK.

I can remember when that picture was made, one of the girls on the front row had just gotten her 3rd pair of Nikes when it was the fad to have a different color swoosh and she was proud of her new red swoosh Nikes.

Too Close for Comfort

Yeah, this is a stretch, but when Stephen over at "Are you There Blog..." posted this pic while talking about the Republican National Convention

It just made me think of a similar head dress I'd seen elsewhere....

Things that make you go Hmmmm.......

Oconee County Barbies!

This is localized humor when it comes to the location names, but if you've ever lived in an area that had everything from over-rich down to white trash rednecks and everything in between living in the confines of one county, then just apply your own city names to each. Special thanks to Jenni4 who's still living amongst the Oconee County Barbies!

"Keowee Key BARBIE "

This princess Barbie is sold only at Belk’s. She comes with an assortment of Vera Bradley Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Walhalla Barbie "

The immigrant Barbie is available with Ford Wind-Star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and lives in a 2-bedroom apartment with her boyfriend, 3 brothers, 3 sister in-laws, 4 cousins, and 5 nieces’.

"4th street Barbie"

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ....unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Cross Creek Barbie"

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Salem Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

" Westminster Barbie"

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Salem Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"West Union Barbie"

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two West Union Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Mill Hill Barbie"

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Whoops, forgot to tell you...

I made it home OK

I forget that some folks keep up with me through my blog (since my ability to call is often impaired by work, getting up before the sun, going to bed before most of you eat dinner, etc)

We left on Cayman Airways and got into Miami around 12:30am. Stayed at the local Ritz thanks to our staff at the Cayman Ritz calling ahead, then flew out the next morning on American. Friends asked "How was Miami?" Well, the 7 hours I was there was taken up by 5 hours of sleep, so it was... a lot like the backside of my eyelids.

Anyway, home, back at work, and on the running treadmill getting ready for the next conference in New Orleans in October. (Come on Levies... hold back the water!)