Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Tools of my Trade

As many of you know, I'm a convention & event manager. Special or boring, big or small, formal or casual, events are what I do. Granted, it's not rocket science, but what job is... aside from actual rocket science? However, often times there are tools that help you bring just a little more ease to your mind and process. For years I've enjoyed a handy tool that MPI puts out that's like a cardboard slide rule that helps you figure out how much space you'll need for X amount of attendees in Y type setting. Say I'm going to have 4,000 people and want them to see the presentation in theater seating, my little handy-dandy space calculator (dubbed "The Comfort Calculator") tells me I need a function space with no less than 36,000 square feet of space.

Today in the mail I received a new type of tool.

The Special Event Portable Restroom Calculator.

I shit you not.... (pun intended)

This little slide calculator takes the number of your attendees and the time length of your event and tells you how many portapotties you need. And even has a special window if your event has alcohol served with it! Say my Blogapalooza event is going to have 75,000 attendees, we'll be serving Sidetrack Slushies and it's going for 10 hours. I need 685 portapotties.

Catch that... SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE big ole buckets of human waste.

This seems to be quite an important tool they've sent me because I'm sure you don't want to get his part of your planning incorrect! It's just no matter what priceless information this tool gives me, my mind keeps going back to... That's a lot of poop!

I also think it's funny how the sales pitch printed on the tool doesn't even mention what they sell or do... it rather goes without saying:

At XYZ Services (name removed to protect the innocent), we understand events. The unpredictability, the pressure, and the need to get every detail right. It's why you can trust us to ensure that one critical part of your planning process is fast, easy, and stress-free. Rely on the industry's largest provider. We're ready to help.

Now, imagine if they could say what they're REALLY thinking.

At XYZ Services, we understand events. The unpredictability of your "Taste of" event causing the shits, the pressure of people bitching because they have to wait in line to piss and the need to get every detail right because if not, they're gonna piss on your registration table. It's why you can trust us to have allllll the crappers you're going to need for your beerfest. Rely on the industry's largest mobile sewer. We're ready to help with a staff of 75 people who hate their jobs, but luckily, do it anyway.

The little tool even gives you a helpful hint without calling a spade, a spade.

"The number of restrooms should increase if over 50% of expected attendees are female"

Just what are they trying to say?

I wonder if they have any with little couches off to the side since so often I see two folks going in at the same time and I don't think it's #1 or #2 they're thinking of.....

While you think on that, let me leave you with a video I've adored for years. Any bad day I have had can be made better by watching this. Maybe she needs one of my event's 645 portapotties.


Bunny said...

That video is hilarious!

I wondered when you would get to the part where you need more potties if a preponderance of your attendees are female - lol. Our state has gone so far as to require newly built arenas, convention centers, and similarly large facilities have a certain ratio of women's to men's stalls - something like 2.5 chick stalls for every 1 stallion stall. Of course, men also have urinals (which isn't addressed in the statute) and if push comes to shove y'all can always share a urinal. That doesn't work for us.

TWO people going into the portapotty? That's so gross! Even if it is fresh and clean, it still has that disinfectant smell. I would have to be really, really drunk to have any kind of sex in a portapotty. With my luck, it would tip over and we would be awash in liquid poo. shudders

Just Kevin... said...

WOW I am just struggling to figure out why this would a video you would adore. Really. What could it be? Hmm.

SUEB0B said...

I work with people who do predictive modeling all day long. I just never thought of THAT kind of predictive modeling.

cb said...

I wonder if they also take into account the type of food being served at the event.

Like, if its 'fajita night' then you may want to factor in an additional 15 - 20% increase.