Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy "New" Year!

I'm about to get ready to go meet friends for dinner, then we're going to go to another friend's place for a New Year's party. I may be in trouble. This party will have some of my deaf friends/interpreter friends in attendance. I've come to find that while no one should drink and drive, I should not drink and sign. (sign language for those of you who don't know me well enough to understand what I meant)

I'm sure if I searched hard enough I would find a mathematical term for the percentage relationship between the number of drinks imbibed by me and my ability to sign or the space I take up when I sign. My friend Raymond loves to tell the tale of the dinner we had at a Mexican place with these great jumbo margaritas. I'll just tell you that I only made it half way through my second margarita because the last half was spilled on the floor as I sent it sailing by hitting it with one of my errant signs. If the klutz in me weren't bad enough, my vocabulary reference speed time gets really long so my grammar sometimes sounds like President Bush complaining that OB/GYN physicians can't practice their love.

Another thing about New Years is considering it as "New". I grew up on the east coast so in USA Terms, we were experiencing the New year first thing. I once called a friend of mine who lived in California at 12:15am Eastern time. She told me that she and her husband were heading to bed (at 9:15 their time) I wondered aloud why they weren't staying up to at least see the new year in and she said "Eh... by the time the new year gets to the west coast, its not so new anymore. It's got fingerprints, dinks, scratches and smudges from the other three time zones"

So I'm heading to my friends party tonight to help celebrate the new year. I'd like to ask my former east coast neighbors to please, handle the new year with care until it reaches the central time zone. I'd like to see it still have a little sparkle on it.

Happy New Year everyone!
Chris

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Seven Deadly Sins... A questionnaire

So my good friend Stephen Rader and I met several years in a stand up comedy class. Details of said class will no doubt be a blog topic soon. Stay tuned. Anyway, Stephen has a Blog that I love and was tagged to complete a Meme.

I have NO clue if what I just said is grammatically correct when considering the noun/subject “Meme” in that sentence.
(Blogvirgin here)


For those of you who also may not know, a Meme, among other things, is like those lists of questions to “get to know your friends” that get passed around. My friend Lea in South Carolina also sees them as the #1 way to avoid working. Stephen had one that he was tasked to complete based on the Seven Deadly Sins. I thought I’d complete the same and see what happened. (Names have been changed to protect the bridges from burning… hopefully)

And since we’re about fun and humor here, each sin will be illustrated by my little friends the Gummies!


1. If you could kill someone (or injure them egregiously) who would it be and why? Bonus points for ‘how’. (Sin ~ Anger)


Kill? Couldn’t do it. I don’t think anyone has ever wronged me THAT badly. As far as injure physically, I couldn’t do that either… After years in Emergency Room Nursing, I can’t make harm, I spent too much time fixing it. Now injure them emotionally or professionally??? I could be all OVER that!
Year before last I had a client that made my life HELL for an event I produced for them. She nearly ruined the spirit of the event and the ripples of her ineptitude still affect the Chicago People’s Rights community. I often had dreams of winning the lottery and taking part of that money and telling National People’s Rights they could have a $3 million donation if I could fire 3 people without question and they would get NO severance, NO recommendation and I’d let them know who I was firing when they agreed. Given the money greedy attitude (and money makes their world go round and their nether regions tingle) they would probably go for it.

2. You have been given 25 Million dollars, and you have to spend it all (no donations to charity or investing). What do you spend it on? (Sin ~ Gluttony)


If anyone has known me for long, they know one of my favorite games called “What would you really do?” where you think realistically of what you’d do with the lottery. Since $25 million wouldn’t cover what I really want to do, I’ll scale back. I’d spend about $10million on a nice place in Chicago (including furnishings, wiring, d├ęcor, etc) and then live on the rest while traveling. Perhaps get a small place to escape to in Tuscany, Dublin, Sullivan’s Beach, SC, and Melbourne. Since I can’t give this to charity, I can’t use this for my answer in #1, but it would sure help get rid of that whiney backstabbing beyotch!

3. You have the opportunity to steal anything in the world without getting caught. What is it and why? (Sin ~ Greed)

$1 billion in untraceable but completely sellable jewels. I know… hardly original, but single items wouldn’t do me any good. I thought of some of my favorite houses, paintings, etc. but if I’m going to TRULY do what I want with lottery winnings, I need something to add to the $25 million I got in question number 2! I’ve got big plans and Bill Gates is just not amenable to the idea of being my sugar daddy yet.


4. You have the opportunity to pawn off one facet of your life to someone else forever. What is it and why?(Sin ~ Sloth)

As much as I love vegetating on the couch watching movie after movie or furthering the love affair I have with my TiVo named Bariel, even I couldn’t do it forever. I have to get up and be active at some point… but the question is still there… what would I slough off for someone else to do. It’s as likely as winning the lottery, but I’d give off paying bills. FOREVER! Someone could pay the cable bill, the mobile bill, my credit card bill, the student loan (which, let’s face it, could pay for a Lexus SUV and I’m not even a friggin’ doctor!) But even if I tried to spend as hard as my heart could go… I still would be hard pressed to build up an invoice equaling 1% of Bill Gates worth. See Bill.. I’m a cheap date, and I got mad skillz!

5. If you could have sex with anyone (or anything) throughout the history of the world without repercussions, who or what would it be and why? (Sin ~ Lust)

Bill Gates? Hell no. Especially since he was portrayed by Anthony Michael Hall in that made for TV movie opposite Noah Wylie. If they’d played that when I was at my PC decision making time I’d have gone Mac. I actually have a couple of answers, one each for each side of the fence.


Side one: The Chick Side….
Sandra Bullock. She’s always seemed the personality that would match mine the best. I would say she’s the female me… but that would require a definite upgrade on my looks. Funny how she’s always played the outsider who didn’t have anyone chasing after her. Sadly, that’s hardly believable as I know men, and men would be fawning all over her. Even in “While you were sleeping” guys went past her in her little CTA box ignoring her as if she were a park bench… If that were real, her turnstile would be the most popular turnstile at the Quincy el stop! And if you live in Chicago, you know that’s not real because A: there are no ‘manned’ turnstiles anymore and B: I ain’t seen anyone working CTA that looks like Sandra Bullock!

Side Two: The Dude Side…
King Leonidas the Spartan. Do I need to explain? I mean… did you SEE the movie 300?? Even Jerry Falwell would have wanted to tag that! Good Lord! Now I know many of you are screaming foul on behalf of Gerard Butler who played Leonidas in the movie. Don’t get me wrong, Gerard is the hottie that brought the character to life, but I have to believe that given the nature of ancient Greece and the rough and tumble life they led that Leonidas would be able to get a little more freaky-deaky than Gerard… but I may be wrong…. Gerard, rebuttle?


6. Describe the time in your life when you were the most bitterly jealous. (Sin – Envy)

Good Lord…. Just one??? What do you mean “THE” time? Jeez. (kidding of course) I think the time that affected me the most and longest was in the past few years when I’ve lived in Chicago and have been trying to find that elusive wonder job that makes me want to wake up and get going early so I can start doing that job for most of the day instead of the jobs I’ve had that pop in my head as soon as I wake up and fill me with dread because I, yet again, have to spend more than 2 minutes doing that job.
If you know me, you know how I get really excited about a job prospect and if positive thinking REALLY worked and got you the job, I’d have 17 jobs by now. Anyway, this job would have been kick ass for me! It was working with a company I believed in, it would have allowed me (actually relied on me) to do the industry socializing I love so much. Usually when I lose these jobs to someone else, that’s it, I don’t see them, know them, etc. This particular time not only did I know the person who got the job (and I was actually happy for them) but I had to work with the person in their new capacity and see them enjoying all the things I wanted to be doing but couldn’t as I still had to be where I was.
As a footnote… if Spite were a deadly sin, this story would continue. I was told that I didn’t get this position as my work history (as an independent planner…. Duh) didn’t show that I was prone to staying in one place long. Funny how the person who actually got the job left after 8 months with no notice and they were left filling a gaping hole of knowledge. They didn’t offer me the job, but I did get to give the biggest “Ha Ha F**CK YOU, I told you so” face I could muster when the hiring manager ran into me at an industry function. I later heard that she completely understood. Stupid Bitch. I later learned that she was downsized and was out of work for a year. Karma 1, Hiring Bitch 0.


7. If you could have free, no-death, GOOD plastic surgery on anything and everything that you want, what would you alter and why?(Sin ~ Pride)

The question is answered already…. EVERYTHING! I’d get my face all recreated like that cat lady with the insertable wiskers and pointy feline eyes and size 56 DDDD boobs that make Dolly Parton say “Well I’ll be…. “ Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!
Logically speaking, I would have lipo done. I’m not fat, or at least not as fat as I used to be, but I can lose all the weight I want and I still have the same number of fat cells as before. And believe me, those buggers are just WAITING for a moment of Hostess cupcake weakness to fill right back up. So, thin the herd and thin me. Facially I think I’d only change two things. All my years of squinting/concentrating on a computer screen (or yes… scowling while making the bitchy face) have put a little nest of wrinkles between my eyebrows. Get those out! And if there’s a way to do it without radically changing my face, I’d like to lessen my lip area. Not so much my lips themselves. I think I’m a good cross between pouty and Julia Roberts in her diabetic attack “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here” scene from Steel Magnolias. But the area AROUND my lips is a bit more meaty than I’d like. It tends to add odd shadows to my face in pictures. But like redecorating your house, plastic surgery is a progressive habit. You fix this thing, then you notice that thing, then you fix that thing, and you notice this other little thing over here. Better go back to question number 2 and save out some of that $25 million to get it all done.

Now that you’ve had a touch of the Seven Deadlies… go see which would be yours in this fun little quiz.


Until next time!
Chris

Friday, December 28, 2007

Is this year over YET????

I'm a 41 year old South Carolinian living in Chicago. Often times the southern hospitality clashes with the big city, but of all the big cities I've lived in, Chicago is the closest thing to that southern hospitality I've found. When you stand so far above everyone else (I'm 6'7" tall if you haven't gathered that yet) you can often see things differently especially if you've got a sassy never-ending sense of humor to cloud that view. I love stand up comedy and long to get back on the stage myself. I'm ready for the straight (hee, hee) humor, but sometimes my humor is best expressed though bitching about something.

So here's the biggest complaint at the moment (or all encompassing) and the reason for yet another attempt at a therapeutic blog.... this past year, while containing some great moments, has been quite a rough one for me. Let's just say that some things need to change for the better and 2008 is the time for it to happen.

Saying 2008 seems to give me a good year's worth of time to get this done, but DAMN it better happen in the first quarter of the year. Good things will happen eventually... but 2007 has been one long damn case of 'eventually'!

But as we go forward, we'll see what happens for me and meanwhile, give some personal insights into life in general. 2008 should be an interesting year. It is an election year, and while we may go from the devil we know, to the devil we don't know yet... at least George Bush cannot enter the White House again! (Halle-friggin-lujah!)

2007 had some serious challenges, but one not-so-deathly-serious challenge popped up for me as a dyed in the wool southerner at heart. This challenge came in the form of the ever so stupid Miss Teen South Carolina. I'm sorry, she's not stupid.... bless her heart... she's just dumb as a geographical map. If you've not seen this video or heard about this... where've you been? She had a chance to redeem herself... and I think it made it worse. So... if you've not seen it... here's a retrospective...

The original transgression:



Which of course brought about various responses including....

Humor:



A VERY well put response:



And a combining of the 2 thorns in my side... This dumbass dimwit bitch... and Miss Teen South Carolina



So let's say good bye to 2007. I appreciate the good things & people that happened to me in 2007, but I am SO glad to move on to 2008 so I can start making change for the better... For those of you who've tried to follow my blogs in the past, thanks! and I promise I'll try to keep up with this one.

Happy New Year!