Saturday, December 29, 2007

Seven Deadly Sins... A questionnaire

So my good friend Stephen Rader and I met several years in a stand up comedy class. Details of said class will no doubt be a blog topic soon. Stay tuned. Anyway, Stephen has a Blog that I love and was tagged to complete a Meme.

I have NO clue if what I just said is grammatically correct when considering the noun/subject “Meme” in that sentence.
(Blogvirgin here)

For those of you who also may not know, a Meme, among other things, is like those lists of questions to “get to know your friends” that get passed around. My friend Lea in South Carolina also sees them as the #1 way to avoid working. Stephen had one that he was tasked to complete based on the Seven Deadly Sins. I thought I’d complete the same and see what happened. (Names have been changed to protect the bridges from burning… hopefully)

And since we’re about fun and humor here, each sin will be illustrated by my little friends the Gummies!

1. If you could kill someone (or injure them egregiously) who would it be and why? Bonus points for ‘how’. (Sin ~ Anger)

Kill? Couldn’t do it. I don’t think anyone has ever wronged me THAT badly. As far as injure physically, I couldn’t do that either… After years in Emergency Room Nursing, I can’t make harm, I spent too much time fixing it. Now injure them emotionally or professionally??? I could be all OVER that!
Year before last I had a client that made my life HELL for an event I produced for them. She nearly ruined the spirit of the event and the ripples of her ineptitude still affect the Chicago People’s Rights community. I often had dreams of winning the lottery and taking part of that money and telling National People’s Rights they could have a $3 million donation if I could fire 3 people without question and they would get NO severance, NO recommendation and I’d let them know who I was firing when they agreed. Given the money greedy attitude (and money makes their world go round and their nether regions tingle) they would probably go for it.

2. You have been given 25 Million dollars, and you have to spend it all (no donations to charity or investing). What do you spend it on? (Sin ~ Gluttony)

If anyone has known me for long, they know one of my favorite games called “What would you really do?” where you think realistically of what you’d do with the lottery. Since $25 million wouldn’t cover what I really want to do, I’ll scale back. I’d spend about $10million on a nice place in Chicago (including furnishings, wiring, d├ęcor, etc) and then live on the rest while traveling. Perhaps get a small place to escape to in Tuscany, Dublin, Sullivan’s Beach, SC, and Melbourne. Since I can’t give this to charity, I can’t use this for my answer in #1, but it would sure help get rid of that whiney backstabbing beyotch!

3. You have the opportunity to steal anything in the world without getting caught. What is it and why? (Sin ~ Greed)

$1 billion in untraceable but completely sellable jewels. I know… hardly original, but single items wouldn’t do me any good. I thought of some of my favorite houses, paintings, etc. but if I’m going to TRULY do what I want with lottery winnings, I need something to add to the $25 million I got in question number 2! I’ve got big plans and Bill Gates is just not amenable to the idea of being my sugar daddy yet.

4. You have the opportunity to pawn off one facet of your life to someone else forever. What is it and why?(Sin ~ Sloth)

As much as I love vegetating on the couch watching movie after movie or furthering the love affair I have with my TiVo named Bariel, even I couldn’t do it forever. I have to get up and be active at some point… but the question is still there… what would I slough off for someone else to do. It’s as likely as winning the lottery, but I’d give off paying bills. FOREVER! Someone could pay the cable bill, the mobile bill, my credit card bill, the student loan (which, let’s face it, could pay for a Lexus SUV and I’m not even a friggin’ doctor!) But even if I tried to spend as hard as my heart could go… I still would be hard pressed to build up an invoice equaling 1% of Bill Gates worth. See Bill.. I’m a cheap date, and I got mad skillz!

5. If you could have sex with anyone (or anything) throughout the history of the world without repercussions, who or what would it be and why? (Sin ~ Lust)

Bill Gates? Hell no. Especially since he was portrayed by Anthony Michael Hall in that made for TV movie opposite Noah Wylie. If they’d played that when I was at my PC decision making time I’d have gone Mac. I actually have a couple of answers, one each for each side of the fence.

Side one: The Chick Side….
Sandra Bullock. She’s always seemed the personality that would match mine the best. I would say she’s the female me… but that would require a definite upgrade on my looks. Funny how she’s always played the outsider who didn’t have anyone chasing after her. Sadly, that’s hardly believable as I know men, and men would be fawning all over her. Even in “While you were sleeping” guys went past her in her little CTA box ignoring her as if she were a park bench… If that were real, her turnstile would be the most popular turnstile at the Quincy el stop! And if you live in Chicago, you know that’s not real because A: there are no ‘manned’ turnstiles anymore and B: I ain’t seen anyone working CTA that looks like Sandra Bullock!

Side Two: The Dude Side…
King Leonidas the Spartan. Do I need to explain? I mean… did you SEE the movie 300?? Even Jerry Falwell would have wanted to tag that! Good Lord! Now I know many of you are screaming foul on behalf of Gerard Butler who played Leonidas in the movie. Don’t get me wrong, Gerard is the hottie that brought the character to life, but I have to believe that given the nature of ancient Greece and the rough and tumble life they led that Leonidas would be able to get a little more freaky-deaky than Gerard… but I may be wrong…. Gerard, rebuttle?

6. Describe the time in your life when you were the most bitterly jealous. (Sin – Envy)

Good Lord…. Just one??? What do you mean “THE” time? Jeez. (kidding of course) I think the time that affected me the most and longest was in the past few years when I’ve lived in Chicago and have been trying to find that elusive wonder job that makes me want to wake up and get going early so I can start doing that job for most of the day instead of the jobs I’ve had that pop in my head as soon as I wake up and fill me with dread because I, yet again, have to spend more than 2 minutes doing that job.
If you know me, you know how I get really excited about a job prospect and if positive thinking REALLY worked and got you the job, I’d have 17 jobs by now. Anyway, this job would have been kick ass for me! It was working with a company I believed in, it would have allowed me (actually relied on me) to do the industry socializing I love so much. Usually when I lose these jobs to someone else, that’s it, I don’t see them, know them, etc. This particular time not only did I know the person who got the job (and I was actually happy for them) but I had to work with the person in their new capacity and see them enjoying all the things I wanted to be doing but couldn’t as I still had to be where I was.
As a footnote… if Spite were a deadly sin, this story would continue. I was told that I didn’t get this position as my work history (as an independent planner…. Duh) didn’t show that I was prone to staying in one place long. Funny how the person who actually got the job left after 8 months with no notice and they were left filling a gaping hole of knowledge. They didn’t offer me the job, but I did get to give the biggest “Ha Ha F**CK YOU, I told you so” face I could muster when the hiring manager ran into me at an industry function. I later heard that she completely understood. Stupid Bitch. I later learned that she was downsized and was out of work for a year. Karma 1, Hiring Bitch 0.

7. If you could have free, no-death, GOOD plastic surgery on anything and everything that you want, what would you alter and why?(Sin ~ Pride)

The question is answered already…. EVERYTHING! I’d get my face all recreated like that cat lady with the insertable wiskers and pointy feline eyes and size 56 DDDD boobs that make Dolly Parton say “Well I’ll be…. “ Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!
Logically speaking, I would have lipo done. I’m not fat, or at least not as fat as I used to be, but I can lose all the weight I want and I still have the same number of fat cells as before. And believe me, those buggers are just WAITING for a moment of Hostess cupcake weakness to fill right back up. So, thin the herd and thin me. Facially I think I’d only change two things. All my years of squinting/concentrating on a computer screen (or yes… scowling while making the bitchy face) have put a little nest of wrinkles between my eyebrows. Get those out! And if there’s a way to do it without radically changing my face, I’d like to lessen my lip area. Not so much my lips themselves. I think I’m a good cross between pouty and Julia Roberts in her diabetic attack “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here” scene from Steel Magnolias. But the area AROUND my lips is a bit more meaty than I’d like. It tends to add odd shadows to my face in pictures. But like redecorating your house, plastic surgery is a progressive habit. You fix this thing, then you notice that thing, then you fix that thing, and you notice this other little thing over here. Better go back to question number 2 and save out some of that $25 million to get it all done.

Now that you’ve had a touch of the Seven Deadlies… go see which would be yours in this fun little quiz.

Until next time!

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